I know its usually the environment of business travellers, road warriors and perhaps alcoholics; but I enjoy dining out on my own. This is not to say that I do not thoroughly enjoy cogent and stimulating dinner table conversation. However we increasingly live in a crass, déclassé world of reality television, check-out aisle gossip and over indulgent blog personalities.

But sitting in a restaurant, often busy not only indulges my Aspergian quirks of preferring some alone time but also helps me practice enveloping myself in what is essentially a high-anxiety environment.

For someone with acute senses, the cacophony, myriad scents, and ambient rise in temperature can make for a discomforting environment. Yet it allows the opportunity to partake in one of humanity’s favourite past times – People Watching.

Homo Sapiens Sapiens are social creatures. Our species thrives on interpersonal activity, be it good or bad. This quality of personality shared by people is the sole reason tabloid magazines, celebrity culture, and arguably popular entertainment exists. That and the propensity for people to judge the behaviour of others.

So as I sit at my table-for-one, sipping on a glass of non-vintage champagne and take bites of my beet root tarte tartin; I sit back and look around the dining room. This is part-mindfulness technique to keep anxiety at bay but also part-personal enjoyment. I take in my surroundings.

The first thing you would notice is EVERYONE is talking. At some tables, quite animatedly.

I seriously doubt it is about Targeted RNA Recombinations; or the lesser known works of Verdi; or the architectural significance of St Paul’s Cathedral (City of London). I suppose, as anyone has experienced, it all does not matter what is being discussed as long as the talker has an audience and is engaged. No one is whipping out peer-reviewed journals or encyclopaedias to fact-check their dining companions’ words.

This is the world that has created the blogger, Youtube commentators, and what seems like the 60-second news cycle.

Instant Response is preferred to intellectual accomplishment. Cynically one would assume that this is the aim of social media and mass communication today.

Part of the inspiration behind putting these thoughts into words has been spurred by a recent example of how bloggers/social media can overreact and quickly change the parameters of a situation. Charlotte Dawson (television personality, former model, stylish dresser and fantastic woman who is not afraid to speak her mind) recently made a humorous comment regarding BryanBoy a fashion blogger on twitter. This was then perceived, incredulously so as a ‘death threat’ by another fashion blogger and instantly decided to start a one-woman crusade which allegedly resulted in BryanBoy contacting the police in fear of his life. As social media begins to become the primary source of information in people’s lives (in my experience one can confirm an Earthquake by checking your Twitter timeline or Facebook newsfeed faster than by checking the United States Geological Survey’s earthquake reports); more and more examples will show how the internet is a poor forum for public communication.

It lacks nuance of oratory, and living with Asperger’s I know very well the problems that not understanding facets of speech like sarcasm and subtlety can be damaging.

Whether or not the fashion blogger truly overreacted it still increased, for a few hours at least, attention and possibly view counts for their respective blogs. In a world where the number of Twitter followers or ‘likes’ your Facebook fan page has equates some sort of power, the tactic of sensationalist, yellow journalism has been updated for the 21^st century.

Remember the days when news media sought the opinions of experts for commentary on the events that were being reported on as opposed to check to see what people are saying on Twitter?

So I come back to my seat at the restaurant. Not being part of the conversation allows one to stop and think. Granted I have the fortunate benefit of time and financial security to take the time to stop and observe, and check out all the facts. Quite often ‘Best Top 10 Lists’ fall afoul of the sensationalist dinner party conversation as everyone has an opportunity to be involved regardless of the fact they are credible to comment on the topic. An extreme example of the lengths I’d go to ‘fact-check’ the opinions of others was dining at Alain Ducasse’s flagship Parisian restaurant at the Plaza Athenee one night, then taking the TGV down the next day so I could have dinner at his Le Louis XV in Monte Carlo and make the comparison as to which one was really better with the culinary experience still fresh in my memory. I know this is hardly something that the majority of individuals can attempt; but making sure I have all the data before I come to a conclusion is very, very important to me.

So next time you’re at dinner and you’re eagerly engaged in gossip-mongering,  pop-political punditry, or debating the top 5 sports franchises in the world, think before you speak. And who knows you may find yourself more captivating and persuasive. And most importantly, gain my approval :-P

Jenevieve Haughson

xoxo

Ps: Why don’t people dress up anymore to dine out? I know as a society there is a trend to move towards a breakdown of classes and egalitarianism but women really dress shoddily these days. I personally will never understand the deconstructed look. And when did men stop pressing their trousers?

PPS: Reading “Peach Bellini” on menus really is a major pet peeve of mine. That is like saying ‘ATM Machine’ or ‘PIN Number’

PPPS: I do realize that it is somewhat hypocritical and disingenuous so criticize the dissemination of unsubstantiated opinion on a blog. But whatever :-P

We do as we damn well please, St Trinians

…Or How I stopped worrying about the relationship between my Gender Identity & Sexual Orientation and loved the Anal

Caveat: For the purposes of this post, terms such as Lesbian, Gay, Straight, Femme, Butch, Passable are all taken to mean the definition as understood by mainstream society rather than the often very nuanced definitions as taken within the LGBTQ community.

When I was first cross-dressing it was very confusing as I knew I was not ‘gay’. I was definitely attracted to girls. Especially girly girls with all the accoutrements of the clothes, shoes, make-up and hair. This attraction was evident even from a young age. My mother used to take me to a burlesque club when I was 2, and I was already enthralled by the dancers who took turns babysitting me while my mother drank Irish Coffees and Armagnac and chatted with her classmate who owned the club.

Almost all my playmates when I was growing up were girls. Sure I played a lot of sports. I swam, ran track, played soccer and in boarding school I added Rugby and Shooting. While the camaraderie of sports teams was fun in small doses, I much preferred being in the company of girls. I could never understand why boys did not play with girls more often since we were supposed to be attracted to them. I certainly got to practice kissing and do a fair amount of body exploring with the opposite sex from a young age before my peers.

When I got to college I did join a fraternity as USC was a very Greek school, and it was the thing to do, especially for guys, if one did not want to be considered an outcast. However I was always closer to my friends in various Sororities rather than my own Fraternity brothers. I certainly never confided, or turned to my brothers for advice.

All throughout school, then boarding school and finally college I always did try to project an image of hyper-masculinity. I suppose it may have been an effort to hide my cross-dressing and maybe also a subconscious desire to try and ‘cure’ myself. However as any trans person can relate, our gender identity is not a disease, it is who we are; and it should be embraced.

The sports, my attitude towards women and loose commitment to strong relationships may have been all a part of this masculine image I was trying to project. I am sure my (then undiagnosed) Asperger’s Condition also played a role. In that I was just mimicking and trying to portray what I observed as ‘correct’ and ‘successful’ male social behavior within my environments.

Between my Rugby Player’s image and always surrounding myself with gorgeous, often Sorority, girls I had managed to create safe environment for me to exist at USC. This was however incredibly exhausting always having to ‘play the role’ of the fratty jock. It was purely a matter of survival that I, at least publically, I constantly tried to present myself as that person. Very early on in my life I observed a very important lesson. Regardless of how different or out of place one feels the worst thing one can do is place themselves on the margins of social groups. While the goal may be isolation it only invites increased attention, making oneself an easy target for bullying. Rather to avoid attention one must thrust themselves into the centre of social groups just as a prey animal endeavors to place themselves at the centre of the herd. For protection.

As extreme and borderline stalker-ish as it sounds I would research on Facebook extensively popular people, girls primarily, to find out what music they listened to, where they holidayed, what their favorite books/movies were. Even down to the designer brands of the clothes they worse in photographs. So I would be able to speak ‘their language’ and become ingratiated with the ‘in-crowd’. My videographic memory as a result of my Asperger’s was incredibly useful for this, of course I had no idea I was the only person that did this before social events!

I came to realize that this whole exercise was a twofold epiphany. One, that I could easily become part of a social group without naturally feeling so. But secondly, and most importantly, it made me realize who I was. Projecting the image of a boy was also a chore and constant activity. But projecting the personality when I was surrounded by girls was always natural, instinctual. And my female friends always say me as more of a girl friend rather than a gay friend, if that distinction can be understood by my dear blog readers.

It went to the point where some of my best friends would joke how I was a better sorority girl than some actual ones! So I was pretty certain I preferred being a girl, but I still did not know what this meant. Was it just cross-dressing? Was it just a mask to escape from the pressures of being a boy? If I really was a girl, did that make me a lesbian?

My only physical experience with males was making out with a guy in high school, on a dare; it just did not feel arousing whatsoever. In fact it made me worry if girls felt this way every time they kissed me. I definitely had no sexual attraction to men. In fact in college I would joke with my closest girl friends who knew about the cross-dressing that I was a male lesbian.

After I embraced my true gender things began to get confusing. I found myself attracted to other trans girls who were femme and very passable. I did prefer my genetic girls to be femme and girly, so why not trans girls too? The elephant in the room of course was how did I deal with the penis if I was not attracted to men?

This brings us back to my relationship with my gender identity. I desired to present as a feminine girl. My behavior, attitude, speech patterns were all quite girly, and on some level I did want to emulate the typical “USC Sorority Girl’ image. After all whether by conscious association, a lot of my female friends were sorority girls. I felt like I was a girl, not necessarily a trans girl; definitely NOT an effeminate man in a dress. And I myself have a penis. And it didn’t give me any stressful feelings with regard to my gender identity. I thought of myself as a girl who just happened to have a penis. And once I thought about myself in that way, I understood that’s how some of the other trans girls I had spoken with felt. The key importance is FEMININITY. That’s what I identified with, and it is also what I was attracted to. As simplistic as that may sound it was a stunning realization. Like some mental weight had been lifted of my mind.

I had experience anal penetration before (from girls with strap-ons) and while uncomfortable if you asked me to truly honest with myself the sensations were welcome and a turn on. Most of that discomfort came from the ‘ickiness’ of it since I am an obsessive hand-washer; rather than any gender/sexual orientation confusion.

But as I’ve developed as a trans girl and appreciated the beauty of other trans girls and what it meant for my sexual attraction. I was attracted to the girl, her femininity, her mind, voice, behavior, appearance not what was between her legs. Boobs are another matter, I do love them, but then again, I think every one would agree with that!

So yes, to put it simply, I’m a beautiful, gorgeous lesbian girl who happens to have a penis. And I am absolutely attracted to beautiful gorgeous girls, and some of them happen to have a penis. And I like it in my butt ;-)

Be strong, Be happy, Be beautiful,

Jenevieve Haughson

Thanks for this message of good will. Sorry I didn’t reply sooner but if you’ve been following my twitter you will no I’ve been despairing of late. I can’t seem to get it right. I don’t know why :-(

[Warning this post talks about being a Christian, but it no way does this mean I exclude or look down on people of other religious beliefs, or agnostics and atheists]

So I met with one of the ministers at my church and it went different, better than I expected.

I discussed how my decision to transition was conflicting with my Faith. I brought up the ‘issue’ about man being made in God’s image. And his response was that we are all God’s children and he loves every one of us. And to also remember some children are born blind, some with missing limbs, etc and yet they are not lesser people to the Lord.

When I said I was happier, and that I felt genuinely more relaxed and content for the first time in my life. And that I was able to express myself with more kindness rather than meanness. That I was less quick to judge or turn to anger. The minister said that those sounded like good values any Christian should aspire to. And I brought up what my friend Chelsea and I talked about trials/hurdles in the Book of Jeremiah. And I was told to think about perhaps my whole life as a boy till now was my trial. And yet even when I felt so lost of my own self, I never lost my faith.

He said I must remember that God wants us to trust him and that it is his grace through his son Jesus Christ, that we can attain salvation. If I have doubts, that is what leads to despair and it becomes easier to give in to temptation.

So his message was do not doubt yourself and be happy with my decision. As long as I am happy for myself and for others. Choose kindness and forgiveness over judgement and anger. And spreading the Gospel. There is no reason to doubt my worth as a Christian.

My video response to http://wehappytrans.com/ ’s 7 Questions

Here is the link to Annika’s wonderful blog http://transgenderexpress.tumblr.com/

kellypiercexxx:

Let me start by expressing this post is only about about the unfairness and inequality of how they treat transsexual nominees at AVN. If you are reading it for any other reason, move on! This has been going on for years, and many Transsexual performers and non-transsexual performers/fans who…

Cherry Torn, one of the sexiest girls EVER.

cherrytorn:

Dirty kitty.

Here is my interview with the amazing Cara of multiple Tranny Award nominated Caramel’s TGirls blog. Get to learn more about me!

I love you like the sun,

Kisses a summer’s day;

Burning with fiery passion,

That I can not sway.

And when the night grows dark & cold,

And all the world’s asleep;

Whisper sweetly to me my dear,

Your secrets I’ll hold deep.

Should the clouds draw near,

And you’re storm-tossed out at sea;

I’d shelter you till blue skies,

And fair winds set you free.

If the people raise arms against you,

Darling do not weep;

I shall steel myself against them,

Your comfort I shall keep.

One day when we are together,

I will hold your hand in mine;

And We will be heart to heart,

Until the end of time.

I love you.